Adolescence Matters

I often hear prospective parents talk about trying to help their son or daughter find “the right fit” in an independent school. The conversation goes something like this:
 
“Well, I have a daughter who knows exactly what she wants, and she just needs a school that will offer her the programs that will get her where she wants to be. She has all the academic skills and is a great student; it’s just a matter of putting her in an environment of like-minded students who are on the same track. It’s about finding the right fit.” 
 

I nod my head and say, “That’s great,” but I am thinking, “This parent does not have a clue about adolescents or life.  The statement may be a prescription for success, but it is not a prescription for a happy, meaningful life.”

 
So the traditional prep school model is to serve those parents who have children that have already figured life out and are ready to enter the Darwinian competition for success, money, and prestige? Instead of adolescence being a stage in life to explore, to fail, and especially to be loved in the process, at a time when they are most vulnerable, it is, rather, the first step in a prescripted life. It’s as if the kid is saying, “I already figured out my life; let’s begin the race. I’ll start by being with all the other kids who have figured out their lives and are ready to race.”
 

I don’t buy it. Either the kid is going to skip over a very important life process that can play a huge role in her finding meaning in life, or she will become isolated in a cocoon of arrogance, never appreciating the talents (measured and not so easily measured) of others who do not so easily fit the “mold.”

 

Adolescence matters… for every kid! It should not be subverted.

The Journey Matters

At our recent commencement exercises, graduating senior Duncan Orlander '12 delivered a thoughtful, mature speech about the value of hard work above and beyond the outcomes hard work may produce. This relationship between the perceived value of hard work and the results it can generate is a curious one. On one hand, we are often motivated by the rewards of our labor. On the other hand, in the final analysis the reward is often not what matters; the hard work matters – the grit and determination, the lessons learned, and the friendships cemented. It's a strange paradox: Be motivated by the trophy, but don't let the trophy determine the value of the journey. Some may say the latter is just salve on the wound – a way to make ourselves feel better after we fail to meet the goal.

I don't think that’s true. 

I don't think the journey and the outcome are irreconcilable. You can be motivated by the goal and still love the process of getting there. When this happens, you find meaning in your endeavors regardless of the results. When the outcome is the only thing that matters, it's easy to end up like the Ivy League freshman profiled in a recent New York Times article about using stimulants to enhance performance:

“‘People would have never looked at me and thought I used drugs like that – I wasn’t that kid,” said Madeleine, who has just completed her freshman year at an Ivy League college and continues to use stimulants occasionally. “It wasn’t that hard of a decision. Do I want only four hours of sleep and be a mess, and then underperform on the test and then in field hockey? Or make the teachers happy and the coach happy and get good grades, get into a good college and make my parents happy?’” 

I suspect this young lady lived to fulfill the expectations of others, and thus, no meaning could be found in the journey. How sad! 

In a recent television appearance, a Columbia University professor lamented the diminished role of college as a means for young people to discover who they are. The professor freely acknowledged that college needs to prepare students for the working world. But the balance of power at many selective colleges has gradually shifted significantly toward credentialing, and thus college has often become simply a means to an end. The journey has lost its luster and discovering who you are plays second fiddle to a big job, regardless of the compromises to your essential being. 

So, thank you, Duncan, for understanding and highlighting the importance of the journey. The journey matters because it has the potential to shape your character and feed your most authentic self. And sometimes, for good measure, you get the trophy too.